Yikes!!! Pigs Do Fly

 

Our world as we know it, is being held hostage by airborne pigs. Malls shutdown, Cinemas losing business etc, etc.. But anything associated with the swine sells like crazy, be it newspapers carrying the latest news, the weird masks and what not. I hear there are coupla movies in the pipeline with the flu theme like ‘Love in the time of the Flu’, ‘Crouching Pig, Hidden Flu’ and oh yeah!!… they just leaked out the spell which Harry Potter will use on Voldermort for their final showdown.. it goes like "Hippity Hop Gingamajig, turn Voldermort into a PIG!!". 
But this is really turning into a serious issue and people should follow these procedures to protect themselves and/from others: 
1: {(Carry a Gun)}. Remember, the swine aint dangerous unless the swine ‘flew’ away. So if you come across them, shoot the damned beasts as soon as they start flapping their newfound wings. 
2: {(Get the N95)}. Nokia has come out with a revamped version of the original N95, the new one emits high frequency radio waves that fries the virus in air. Only problem is the added risk of impotency but what do you value more?? Your life or the ability to make babies?? The new N95 is available at most drug stores at a discounted price. 
3: {(Alcohol)}. You must have noticed the sanitizers available at all the Infy Buildings. Rub a little of the gel on your dirty hands and that kills the virus. Its the alcohol in the gel that does all the killing. So have two shots of alcohol (whiskey/vodka(for the ladies)/brandy/woteva), two(or more) times a day and that should keep the flu at bay. 
4: {(Shoot Yourself)}. If you have followed all of the above measures and still contracted the flu, then you got a real shitty immunity system buddy. You still have the gun I told you to get for procedure 1?? Well do the world some good and shoot yourself please. 
5: Those of you who have had the flu and survived…. Well.. congrats!!! In the words of The Joker "What doesnt kill you, only makes you…. Stranger". The virus and your body(the host) share a symbiotic relation and are at perfect harmony with each other. Thou shall now think,act and eat like a pig. Worst part is, thou shall never be turned on by humans of the opposite sex ever again, thou shall have the hots only for pigs!!

P.S: This was a post i had written when the whole swine flu thingy was at its peak

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Disclaimer

Everyone and anyone who knows me well enough should be well aware of the fact that I am one of the laziest beings to walk(or just rest his ass) on earth. That being said, one would be shocked to hear  or see that I blog because blogging like pretty much everything else in this mundane world requires some time, effort and even thinking to an extent; ….. I wouldn seem to fit the bill.

In my defence: I work in an IT firm that goes by the name “Infosys Technologies”. I wasn’t working on any project for quite sometime, in other words… I was “benched”. Now at Infosys, there are a few things even the benched people can do; the easiest one being blogging on our internal company blog… That is how i started bloggin about 6 months ago…. almost all the previous posts on this page are copied from my company blog page. I cant post a direct link to that page because that can be accessed only by Infocions within an Infosys Campus. So there….

Smutty business of love…

An old friend of mine (one of my best) called me up the day before, he broke up with his girlfriend and he wanted to talk… As expected, he had his reasons and I guess she had hers too. But are those reasons valid enough to end a relation that went on for years?? Why do people decide to break up and move on??

When single, we think we are incomplete and we seek that soul mate that completes us, but a few years(or months) into a relationship we may find that we are still very much incomplete. We could blame our partners, say that things ain’t working out and then take up with someone more promising. This could go on and and on- a series of polygamy- until we can admit that a partner can only add sweet dimensions to our life while we ourselves are the only ones that can possibly complete ourselves. Nobody else could do it for us and to convince ourselves otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to ensure eventual failure in every relationship we enter. None of us are perfect, but love could be; Love transforms people, changing the mediocre and the vile. So I ask, why do we waste time searching for the perfect lover instead of trying to create perfect love??

Love is the ultimate criminal, the numero uno, it has no rules and answers to nobody. The most that we can do is to sign it on as an accomplice. So instead of vowing to honour and obey, we should rather vow to aid and abet. Thus you shall have no security, you shall lose your heart to the criminal and all you can do is hope, trust and have faith that the criminal has committed his/her last crime. So if you have to love, love with no strings attached, let thy love be free.

Uplifting bakwaas for the depressed

For most people, self-awareness and self-pity blossom simultaneously in early adolescence. Its about that time we start viewing the world as cruel and unjust place and we see how threatening it can be. At that very moment when we become, for the first time, both aware and socially conscientious, we receive the news that the world, by and large, doesn’t give a rat’s ass about what you feel. So there is a tendency to slip into rage and self pity, which if indulged, can fester into bouts of depression.

Now, unless someone smarter, wiser, stronger (in short more like me) like a parent, a novelist, a filmmaker, a teacher or a blogger comes and throws that complex out on its big brittle ass and show us how petty and monumentally useless it is to take ourselves so seriously, then depression can become a habit, which in turn can produce a neurological imprint. Once that happens and depression has become electrochemically integrated, it can be difficult (albeit not impossible) to philosophically or psychologically override it. Everybody is a nobody or at the most just a somebody, so don’t ever worry about you being the only nobody around. So if anybody out there exhibits the slightest tendency toward self-importance, lemme remind you that, me and you, you and I, maybe every bit as important as the President or the Pope or the MTV Roadies ka winner, but none of us is much more that a pimple on the ass-end of creation.

What about self-esteem?
Self-esteem is for sissies. Accept that you are nothing more than a cosmic zit and try to keep a lively sense of humor about it. That way lie bliss and maybe even glory.

Pain and Punishment

I swallowed another three pills with a shot of vodka. Seated at the edge of a cliff I watched the waves crash on the rocks below. The sun dropped into the horizon like a coin dropping into a slot, the ocean bit it to make sure it wasn’t counterfeit. Twilight softened the ocean visually but did not hush it. If anything, the waves crashed louder and the ocean seemed more menacing with the coming dark. The sky was crimson, the sharp rocks below scared me but the tide was rising and it covered the rocks.The perfect tide for a suicide…

The pills were beginning to take effect; I was feeling numb and drowsy. My worries faded away and the drug induced lack of fear was exactly what I needed to do what I had to do next. It took a little effort to stand up straight, a little courage to look down at my next point of arrival and a little faithlessness to hope that God didn’t really exist and wasn’t watching me at that moment. I could pass out any second now; I was just hoping it would happen in between the freefall. I heard the sound of thunder somewhere far away; the universe seemed to be waiting for my next move. My next move was to fall…

The world around me was a blur, the wind that seemed to push me back screamed in defiance and then suddenly all was calm, and all was bright. I was stuck in mid air, body parallel to the ocean below. The water was different now, it was calm and reflective, and I could see myself hovering above it. And then, a voice that was heavier than heaven spoke and seemed to reach the ears of my soul….

“So you chose to fall…. And oh… Don’t bother asking who I am, I am exactly who you think I am.”

“Yes I chose to fall, you should know why.”

“You had been cheating on your wonderful wife and now the other lady in your life has left you for another, you got greedy and you lost money that wasn’t yours and your friends turned out to be everything but friends.”

“More or less, yes”

“If it were more, I would have said less; if it were less, I would have said more. No son, what I say is all that is there to it. Your decision will affect a lot of lives which you will see for yourself now”….

(The water below me was now completely still and images formed on the surface ….)

“That’s your wife praying for your safe return home because you haven’t shown up for dinner, tomorrow she will recognize your body in the news because of that shirt you are wearing. It was her anniversary gift to you if you remember? Now there are your parents crying over your body, you were their only support. And … ah yes… this is your son“

(I saw a little boy in a playschool)

“My… My son???”

“Yes, your wife was going to tell you soon but you just had to give up and run away from everything. The other lady in your life was not worth it, the money issue could have been solved and you would have gained real friends later in life … and your son would have made you very proud. But now your soul shall burn in hell for all eternity”

“But….What was the point of all this then?”

“The point was to make you feel pain other than that moment of physical pain you are about to endure”

“What about my wife, my parents and my son? Don’t I get a second chance?”

“I have plans for them; they are good people and shall be taken care of….. No, you get no second chance”

“So now what…?”

“As you were…”

My heart was seared and scorching with pain and regret as I hit the water and the rocks below. I was hoping it would be fast and without pain. I was wrong; there was a world of pain and punishment was about to begin…

Here Comes The AVATAR

Bollywood is just a place where blokes from Mumbai mistake each other for movies stars (Naseerudin Shah, Abhay Deol, Vinay Pathak and those few others like them aint included). One thing that can kill the movies of today (especially the Bollywood ones) is education. Somebody who can’t act for nuts or even speak the language can go on to win a national award just because she looks like an angel. If you don’t look like an angel then just show some skin, you can still leave your mark (or at least your clothes) in the industry. The dress code for Bollywood is the lesser the better and that applies to both sexes.

At Hollywood the making of bloody horror flicks is a dying art, pun not intended. Scripts are so bad that nowadays you can’t even judge a book by its movie, pun intended. The last supposedly tragic movie I saw was tragic for different reasons; my tear ducts took the day off. It didn’t move me to tears, it did succeed in making me move the mouse and close the media player. I watch all genres of film but my favorite kinda timepass movie is those action suspense types. Sadly, these days the primary suspense is the uncertainty as to whether there would be 45 seconds or a full two minutes between one massive explosion and the next. In those films the sky is seldom blue for long, black billows, orange flame and flying debris fill the screen at regular intervals. One smoking hot female, a wuss of a boyfriend and coupla robots (with a fetish for sleek cars) going ninja on coupla other robots (with a fetish for machines that fly) can make a summer blockbuster!! What is the movie world coming too?? If it were not for Peter Jackson, I would have lost all faith in Hollywood’s sensible-action-movie-churning factory.

The eyes of all the sensible-actionloving-thrillseeking movielovers out there are looking at the one man who can resurrect this almost brain-dead industry. After 12 too bludy damn long years director James Cameron returns to cinema with AVATAR!!! The director of Blockbusters like Aliens, Terminator, Titanic and his magnum opus Terminator-2: Judgment Day is back to blow your mind one more time. You should see the trailer in high def to see what I’m talkin about). The animation and CGI is like nothing you have ever seen before. If you don’t like it then your grey matter has turned black cuz of all the crap you have been seeing lately, go watch the movie at an IMAX when it comes out to experience sheer awesomeness. If you still don’t like it I’ll eat my shoe!!!

Wake me up after October and November ends

Dream On

Why aren’t we as smart when we wake up as we are in our dreams?

Its 2:30 pm, another day in the office. The day is just as interesting and slow as a bunch of zombies playing monopoly. I decided to blog about something, shortly thereafter, I nodded off.

5pm I wake up and I felt great. It was something I dreamt about I guess. But then I look at my monitor and see that the ‘update journal’ page of my blog is as clear as Liv Tyler’s pretty face. I need to fill this space with something and at the moment the only thing I can think about is… what was I dreaming about?? Dreams, that’s what I’ll blog about.

You ever wondered if your dreams would ever come true? Well you aint talking about dreams, you’re referring to your pathetic bourgeoisie ambitions. Dreams don’t COME true, they ARE true. It happens for real in your mind in a different dimension; sadly the resultant outcome of the dream is never carried into this earthly dimension when you eyelids decide to go north.

I dunno about the rest of the world but sometimes I go crazy dreaming. There are so many thoughts playing bumper cars in my brain that I don’t get much time to spend with a particular one before it is rear-ended or broadsided by a different thought. There are simply too many other cars careening and caroming in my cerebral motordrome. But sometimes one car does come out ooga-ooga-honk-honk scooting triumphantly out of traffic and that one wins the Dream Trophy.

Ever noticed in a dream there is nothing that can shock us. We live the dream with no fear, completely cut off living with possible strangers. You should feel what is real, dream what is unreal then wake up and think of what could be.
I came across these quotes (courtesy Google):

Dreaming is an act of pure imagination, attesting in all men a creative power, which if it were available in waking, would make every man a Dante or Shakespeare. ~H.F. Hedge

Dreams are illustrations… from the book your soul is writing about you. ~Marsha Norman

Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives. ~William Dement

All that we see or seem, is but a dream within a dream. ~Edgar Allan Poe

A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world. ~unknown